05
Mar
10

The Citrus Speaks: Dante’s Inferno

Phlegyas

This is Phlegyas, you can hijack him, so long as you make it through the generic, repetitive, and frustrating combat.

Based on part one of Dante Alighieri’s classic poem “The Divine Comedy,” Dante’s Inferno is a third-person action adventure game taking Dante on an epic journey through Hell as he seeks to rescue the soul of his beloved Beatrice. Descend through the nine circles of Hell: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery. Each circle features distinct environments, enemies, and story elements befitting the sins committed by their inhabitants, with large-scale beasts and bosses, some of which Dante will be able to fully tame, utilizing them to throw back Hell’s wrath to its minions. Armed with Death’s Scythe, Beatrice’s Holy Cross, magic powers and a deep, customizable upgrade system, take full advantage of fast and fluid gameplay running at a constant 60 frames per second. via xbox.com

I’m not often a fan of excessive nudity in games. The violence I can deal with, but something about playing a game and having naked men women and sexual symbols bombard me kind of creeps me out. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before (those of you who are at all familiar with me will know my aptitude for dick jokes and tasteless humour), but I just think that it’s usually used as a “shock factor” as opposed to an actual design choice that adds to the game… well, adds something other than bewbs. Somehow though, while playing Dante’s Inferno, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was playing through a lonely artist’s (I am one, it’s not uncommon) fantasy for putting plenty of ridiculously sexual content in the game. most of this content is in the 2nd circle of hell; Lust. In most of the Circles, there is a “boss” character that you end up fighting, however in Lust, the boss character is a 200 foot tall Cleopatra that ascends her tower of Lust (made of two lovers getting it on, I may add). Why do you care? Well, old Cleo is topless, and her nipples are mouths that regurgitate unbaptized children with blades for arms. I can only assume your reason for going to the top of the tower was originally to give her a breast exam or a physical of some kind, because somehow that doesn’t seem healthy. This is just one example of the extremely mature content in the game. Seriously folks, this is not for the squeamish.

You’re probably wondering if I like any part of the game since all I’ve done up until now is (surprise surprise!) complain about it. Yeah, I actually do… sort of. The game is made by Visceral Games, the guys who brought you one of my personal favorite games of 2008, Dead Space. So going in to Dante’s, I had some high hopes, and some of them were met, some of them came up short.

27
Feb
10

Unwanted Facebook Spam is Unwanted

This post has been saved 3 times from being a total rage at someone who might end up at this blog for some weird reason, so this time, I’m going to attempt to write it nicely.

First off, let me say that I HATE Facebook spam. I want to use Facebook to connect with friends, post funny videos (frequently [and hopefully] to the amusement of my friends and family) and start arguments with people who are my “friends” but who may have some annoying views or tendencies that I, as an avid internet troll, feel the need to correct (albeit with the ability to blame my “fat-angry-kid-in-front-of-a-computer” rages on solar flares or eclipses or, far more believable, 1337 H4X!).

Gir

This is a Gir. It is the most useless invention known to man.

My point is; when I come home from being out for a few hours and my inbox is filled with “so-and-so played 剛用 [他/她爱你有多少?] 分析了 [鄺加加]!
結果是 and suggested you 剛用 [他/她爱你有多少?] 分析了 [鄺加加]!
結果是!”

I WANT TO HURT YOU. Do I look like I can read mandarin? I don’t even know if that IS mandarin! For all I know it could be some weird alien language with clicks and guttural howls. Maybe that’d interest me! but I know that’s just wishful thinking since the notification is accompanied by a Hello Kitty image that’s smiling and waving.

THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER YOU HAPPY-GO-LUCKY KITTY!

It’s like some weird Gwen Stefani dream, only worse, because I know that it’s not a dream, and that this person is not a figment of Gwen’s imagination. It’s like I’m stuck in a Japanese remake of Nightmare on Elm Street and the creepy burn victim with claws has been replaced with a harajuku girl with a Gir backpack and kitten whiskers drawn her face giving me the peace sign.

So if you do this sort of shit to your friends, even if it’s spam of the same language, I urge you;

STOP. STOP IT. STOP!

Neither myself nor your friends care that you need help with next season’s harvest in Farmville. All we want to do is get off this damn planet and join our friends at the academy. I’m going to get some blue milk.

~Das

23
Feb
10

WEEEEE’RE BACK!

In an effort to stave off boredom, I’ve elected to try to do an actual blog instead of a rarely updated one with little to no interesting subject matter. and while I can’t promise that it will be more interesting, I can say I am going to make an attempt to update at least once a week. I just don’t have the time to commit to anything more than that. so hopefully you (because YOU are almost certainly the only one who reads this) will be able to bear not seeing or hearing my ugly mug for a few days at a time.

DID I SAY SEE?!?!

Well I meant it, because in addition to the blog here, I’m hoping to do some Youtubing. I have NO idea when that will be happening, but I will certainly update this here blog if I post something on my channel (which at the moment looks like the god damn Mojave). So thanks for reading this utterly nonsensical post, and hopefully you’ll be seeing more of me soon!




140 Characters of Awesome!


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